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Hmmm, I like the first one... now there's an idea... :o)

• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -Henny Youngman

• The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -Ann Bancroft

• Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -Bill Cosby

• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. -Rita Rudner

• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -Benjamin Franklin

• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -Henny Youngman

• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -George Burns

• What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -Cindy Garner

• When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -Elaine Boosler

• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburettor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -Henny Youngman

• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -Phyllis Diller

• My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -Rita Rudner

• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -Henny Youngman

• People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -Erma Bombeck

• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

• A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

• A Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

• "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."

• "I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her."

• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

• A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than mine."

• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get their laundry done free.

• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

• First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

• A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did!