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 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:

"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

 A panda meets this gorgeous babe and decides to woo her. Manages somehow to get her number and arranges for a date. On the evening of the date, he picks her up and takes her to a really nice restaurant. There they have a wonderful dinner, champagne, candlelight ... well the works. The babe is suitably charmed and after dinner, they proceed to her place. Before long, as things would have it, they'n78 re having this delicious romp in bed. But as soon as it's over, the panda gets off the bed, brushes his fur in the mirror and makes for the door.

The rather distressed babe cries out at this point "Hey, this is not happening! You can t just take me out for dinner, bring me home, make love to me and just leave like that!"

The panda turns around, with a puzzled look on his face. He looks around the room and sees what he s looking for. He walks over to the bookshelf, picks up the dictionary and looks for the correct page and word. He finds it, walks over to the babe and points impatiently at the word. Through tear-laden eyes, the babe reads...

"Panda: an animal that eats shoots and leaves"

 There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

 Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."

The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

 Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first?

The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

 A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

 Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's offer of Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 A head rolls into a bar.

It says to the guy sitting at the bar, "Hey bud, can you put me up on the bar?" So the guy picks the head up and puts it on the bar.

The head says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer with a straw in it!" So the bartender gives the head the drink and the head drinks it down. Suddenly he grows two arms.

The head says, "Wow! This beer works magic, gimme another!" So the bartender gives him another drink, he drinks it down and grows two legs, and he says "Holy cow! now I have a full body!! Gimme another!" The bartender complies, he drinks it, and explodes!

The moral of the story: Quit while your ahead.