Home / Jokes / joke...

ELF PICKUPS...

1."I'm down here!"

2."Just because I've got bells on my feet doesn't mean I'm a sissy!"

3.I was a lawn ornament for Gary Sweet."

4."I can get you off the naughty list!"

5."I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."

6."I'm a magical being! Take off your bra!"

7."It's not size that matters babe!"

8."I get a thimbleful of tequila into me and I turn into a wild man!"

9."You'd look hot in a Raggedy Ann wig!"

10."I can eat my weight in cocktail frankfurts!"

MORE PICK-UPS

1."That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed."

2."Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

3."You have some nice jewellery. It would look good on my nightstand."

4."Chicks dig me - I wear coloured underwear!"

5.Look at the tag on her shirt and say "I wanted to see if you were really made in heaven."

6."If I gave you negligee for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?"

7."That's a nice shirt - can I talk you out of it?"

8."Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them."

9."Do I know you from somewhere - or is it just that you have your clothes on?"

10."Hi, I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced nipples."

11."Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock it's a gem!"

12.She: "What do you think of this dress/top/skirt?" He: "I like nothing better!"

13."What do like for breakfast?"

14."Can I buy you a drink, or would you just like the money?"

15."Would you like a gin & platonic or do you prefer scotch & sofa?"

16."Hey, how about pizza & a fuck?" "What, don't you like pizza?"

17."Would you like to have morning coffee with me?"

18."Lets do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?"

19."Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?"

20."I don't look like much now, I'm drinking milk."

21."I've had quite a bit to drink tonight & you're beginning to look pretty good!"

22."I've got a thirst baby, and you smell like Gatorade!"

23."Do you like chicken? Suck this, it's foul!"

24."Do you know the difference between hamburgers and head jobs?" "No? Let's do lunch then!"

25.Hand out cards saying: "Smile if you want to sleep with me" and watch them hold back their laughter.

26.At the photocopier: "Reproducing hey? Can I help?"

27.Motion with your finger for the girl to come over. When she does say "I knew if I fingered you enough you'd come!"

28.Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have the energy?"

29.Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have a place in mind?"

30.When she asks for a match: "My penis, your vagina."

31.Walk over to a ladies table, take your dick out & say "Hey Charlie, anyone here you recognise?"

32."Stand back, I'm a doctor! You get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes!"

33.Holding out fingers: "Why should women masturbate with these fingers?" "Because they're mine!"

34."Hi, my name is {name}. How do you like me so far?"

35."You look like a girl who has heard every single line in the book - so what's one more!"

36."Bond. James Bond."

37."Excuse me, are you ready to go home yet?"

38."Hi, I make more money than you can spend."

39."Hi, can I buy you a car?"

40."I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?"

41."Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars from the sky & put them in your eyes."

42."Was your father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!"

43."You know what I like about you?" "My arms."

44."If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you."

45."I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?"

46."Who's a nice girl doing in a place like this?"

47."Do you have a 40 cents?" "Too bad, because I need to call my mother and tell her I just found the woman of my dreams."

48."Do you have a map?" "I just keep on getting lost in your eyes."

49."Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers."

50."Did it hurt?" "When you fell from heaven?"

51."Inheriting eighty million dollars doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart."

52."Excuse me, do you live around here often?"

53."Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home together?"

54."What's your sign?"

55."Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you."

56."What was that?" "That sound?" "The sound of my heart breaking?"

57."If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U & I together."

58."I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"

59."I was sitting here holding my cigarette when I realised I'd rather be holding you."

60."If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now."

61."I feel like Richard Gere, standing here next to you, the Pretty Woman."

62."Sorry, I thought you were someone else, by the way, here's my card."

63."Say, didn't we go to different schools together?"

64."Drop 'em"

65."Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?"

66."Hey baby, let's make some babies!"

67."I think we have to make love like crazed weasels on the front lawn NOW!"

68."Hey babe, can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?"

69."Hey babe, can you suck start a Harley?

70."Hey babe, wanna get lucky?"

71.To a mother: "Hey mother - want another?"

72.To a mother: "What is your favourite position on extramarital sex?"

73."Your place or mine?"

74."Your place or the men's bathroom?"

75."Your face or mine?"

76."If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"

77."If I told you that you had an ugly body, would you hold it against me?"

78."Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?"

79."I love you. I want to marry you. Now let's fuck."

80."Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids, let's play gynaecologist!"

81."Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh."

82."I wanna floss with your pubic hair!"

83."I'm on fire, can I run through your sprinkler?"

84."I'd look good on you!"

85."Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?"

86."I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else."

87."I would kill or die to make love to you!"

88."Sex is a killer... Want to die happy?"

89."I love every bone in your body, especially mine."

90."Now Bitch!"

91."Fancy a fuck?"

92."My face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it!"

93."Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?"

94."Hi I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you?" "Would you like some?"

95."I think you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... on a Wednesday!"

96."How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only Avon cosmetics?"

97."You're ugly, but you interest me."

98."Do you believe in one night stands?"

99."With one touch I can make you make noise only dogs can hear!"

100."I'm leaving this place - want to Cum?"

101."Why, you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!"

102."Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here! Get them while they're hot!"

103."Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a manfriend, come and talk to me!"

104."You've got nice breasts, but are your nipples brown or pink?"

105."Is it cold outside, or are you just smuggling tic-tacs?"

106."Pardon me, but I was about to go home and masturbate, and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasise about you."

107."Sit on my lap and well talk about the first thing that pops up!"

108."Sit on my lap and lets get things straight between us."

109."You smell wet - let's Party!"

110."Pardon me miss, but I couldn't help noticing that you have cum in your hair."

111."Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick!"

112."Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?"

113."I saw you at the party last weekend, and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime..."

114."No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for $50?"

115."You have the ass of a great artist."

116."Let's take a shower together - you smell."

117."If I was Elvis, would you screw me?"

118."Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew?"

119."Cold out isn't it?" (Staring at breasts)

120."Hey... Somebody farted - let's get out of here!"

121."I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?"

122."Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour co-ordinated?"

123."Do you sleep on your front?" "Do you mind if I do?"

124."Do you want to go halves in a baby?"

125."Ever played leap frog naked?"

126."I'll bet you ten bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds."

127."Since we shouldn't waste this day & age, what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire?"

128."Would you like to see me naked?"

129."Anything drugs can do, I can do with my tongue!"

130."Either way, I'm going to have you tonight, so you might as well be there."

131."Wanna go halves in a bastard?"

132."Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?" "Do you want to go upstairs and talk?"

133."Sit on my face and let me get to nose you better!"

134."Excuse me, do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk past you again?"

135."Fuck me if I'm wrong but you want to fuck me don't you?"

136."Fuck me if I'm wrong but you want to kiss me?"

137."Fuck me if I'm wrong but isn't you're name Gretchen?"

138."Hello Susie, your mummy couldn't make it this afternoon. She asked me to pick you up and take

you home. My that's a pretty dress..."

139."I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice back rub. Are the straps too tight darling? How very, very tragic."

140."Do you want to see something swell?"

141."Hey babe, do you know my mouth can generate over 750 psi?"

142."Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologise?"

143."Wanna fuck like bunnies?

144.Follow these instructions:

1.Make sure that you are in front of the person you are trying to attract.

2.Put your hands in a vertical plane and separate your hands to the desired distance.

3.Look at the person of your affections with a shit eating, ear to ear grin. Shake your head up and down as to reply that you're this big.

145."What would you do if I kissed you right now?"

146."Take an ice-cube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broke the ice, will you sleep with me?"

147."I'm single!"

148."Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"

149."I'm drunk."

150."Would you like to come and party in my tool-shed?"

151."Will you marry me and have my children?"

152."You know, I'd really like to fuck your brains out, but it seems somebody beat me to it!"

153.To someone just out of the shower: "Can I borrow your towel?"

154."I've got an itch. Lower. Lower."

155."If you want me, don't wake me, or shake me, just take me."

156."Hi, I'm a flight steward."

157."May I please rest my head on your shoulder?"

158.Hold up a vibrator: "Do you know how to use one of these?"

159."Fuck me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before?"

160."I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; Oh and by the way, you have my consent."

161."I'm sure you didn't mean to turn me on with your big ass, but it's too late now!"

162."Hi, I'm taking a survey. Do you spit or swallow?"

163."I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck?"

164."I haven't seen you in a while, you sure look different without my dick in your mouth."

165."Hi. My name's Campbell. You'll be screaming that later."

166."What winks and fucks like a tiger?" (said while winking)

167."What are you drinking?" ("_______") "Wanna screw?"

168."Yo. You'll do."

169."I've never driven a cadillac, what's your name?"

170."Would you like to dance?" "No? I'm sorry you must have misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants."

171."Hi I'm in the army, I blow up cunts, Can I blow up yours?"

172."Nice arse, mind if I use it for a hat?

173."Do you think that God is a homosexual?" "Well I think that he must have loved men when he made you."

174."Im in the process of writing a telephone book. May I have your number?"

175."You're cuter than a speckled pup."

176."You're prettier than a beer truck pulling up in my driveway!"

177." Hi, I'm "trisexual." I'll try anything once!"

178."Are you SURE you're wearing make-up?"

179."Have you heard about the exciting new G-spot discoveries?"

180."I don't think I've let money make me feel all that special."

181."You look like that woman who ran for Governor of New Jersey."

182."What a hot pair of prefrontal lobes you have!"

183."Are you the person from the Nobel Prize committee I'm supposed to meet here?"

184."Have you ever spent LOTS of money just for the fun of it?"

185."I *love* women who aren't afraid to put on a few pounds."

186."Hi, can I buy you several drinks?"

187."Are your legs tired? Because you have been running through my mind."

188.A business card:

PLAIN FACTS

Scientists have determined that the average time for intercourse is four minutes. The average number of strokes per minute is nine, and since the average length is six inches, the average girl receives two hundred and sixteen inches or eighteen feet per intercourse. The average girl does it three times a week, fifty weeks a year, and so 150 times 18 makes 2700 feet, or just a little over half a mile. So girls, if you are not getting your half a mile a year, why not let the man who gave you this card help you to catch up!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilised.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Haven't we met before?

Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?

Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

Woman: It's in the phone book.

Man: But I don't know your name.

Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: What sign were you born under?

Woman: No Parking.

Man: Hey come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

Woman: Yeah! Let's get drunk and pick up some chicks!

Man: I'm here to fulfil your every sexual fantasy.

Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.

Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?

Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.

Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

COMEBACKS TO THE COMEBACKS...

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I guess you're pretty good at pleasing yourself then.

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: Oh, just cheap perfume then.

Man: Your hair colour is fabulous.

Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

Man: Is that also where you got your eyelashes and coloured contacts?

Man: You look like a dream.

Woman: Go back to sleep.

Man: You mean this isn't a nightmare?

Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.

Man: Well, I wasn't planning on doing you HERE!

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.

Man: Really? You look more like a "Yield."

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Here's a donation to restore the exterior.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: [Looking away] Honey, there's two here!

Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

Woman: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Man: You're right. I was lying.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Well, I guess you really don't belong in the men's room anyway.