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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in their pints, one in each.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEVING BASTARD!!!"

There were three wannabe astronauts, a Russian, an American and an Irishman, sitting in a bar.

The Russian says "Us Russians are the best because we were the first in orbit."

The American says "Us Americans are the best because we were the first on the moon."

Then the Irishman says, "Well us Irish are going to be the first on the sun."

With that the American and the Russian look at the Irishman and say "You'll get burnt you idiot."

The Irishman replies, "We're going at night ya morons!"

There was once an Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Irishman replied, "Keep the fucking egg!"

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "what is it?"

God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south.

And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?"

And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great fun and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance... "

And God replied wisely:

"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next door to them!"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "That's amazing! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round for Ireland." And they have another drink.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin" replies the second man.

"I can't believe it" says the first man, "I'm from Dublin also! Let's have another drink for Dublin."

So they have yet another drink.

The first man then asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "Class of '71."

"That's amazing!" the first man says, "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '71 too!"

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and asks the Bartender "What's been going on?"

"Nothing much" replies the bartender... "Except the O'Reilly twins are drunk again".

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought 300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in!"

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent 17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods wisely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife recently left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is! Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see!"

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed o Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimeters from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is!"

There's an Irishman,a Scotsman and an Englishman stranded on a desert island. They are walking along the beach with no food or drink in sight, when they stumble across a golden lamp. The Englishman picks it up and gives it a rub. Suddenly, out comes a genie who says: "I will grant you all one wish each".

So the Englishman says: "I'm really missing my family so I would like to be back in England with the". So off he shoots back to England.

The Scotsman says: "yes, I'm really missing my family too so i would like to be back in Scotland with them".So off he shoots back to Scotland.

The Irishman then says: "well, I'm a bit lonely here all by myself so I wish the Englishman and the Scotsman were both back here with me!"

Three Paddys were on top of the Eiffel tower and they decided to see if they dropped something off the top if they could get down to the bottom to catch it before it hit the ground.

Paddy Englishman dropped a coin and ran down the stairs as fast as he could but the coin hit the ground well before he got near the bottom.

Paddy Scotsman dropped a piece of paper and ran down. But the piece of paper hit the ground just before he got to it.

Paddy Irishman dropped his watch and casually got in the lift and slowly made his way to the bottom. He got out of the lift and walked over and put out his hand. About 5 minutes later the watch landed in his hand.

The other two Paddys came over and asked him how the hell he did that to which he replied: "My watch is slow!"

Paddy English man, Paddy Irish man and Paddy Scottish man were all sitting down for lunch after a hard hour of work. They all took out there lunches and screamed.

Paddy English man said "If my wife gives me ham sandwiches again, I'm gona kill myself". And so did Paddy Scottish man and Paddy Irish man.

The next day it came to lunch time and three bodies were found at the site. The three Paddies wives were called in and had the situation explained to them.

Paddy English mans wife said "If he had only told me, i would have changed the sandwich!". Paddy Scottish's wife said the same, but Paddy Irish mans wife said "I don't know what the problem was, he made his own sandwiches!"

An Irishman goes into a shop and buys a chainsaw. Two weeks later he returns the chainsaw and says to the shop assistant: "2 weeks ago I bought this chainsaw and you said that it would chop down 50 trees in an hour. I can only manage 2 trees."

The shop assistant says, "let me see", and starts the machine up. BRRRRRR!!!

The Irishman jumps back in surprise and says "what's that noise?!?"

Three guys, one Irishman, one Englishman, and one Scotsman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total," says the Genie.

The Scotsman says, I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will someday be one too. I want all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity. So, with a wave of the Genie's hand, the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman said, "I want a huge wall around all of England because we're fed up with Jocks and the like coming into our country. This wall will protect us, so that no one will get in for all eternity, it will be England for the English." Again with a wave of the Genie's hand, there was a huge wall around England.

Then it was the Irishman's turn and he asked, "I'm very curious about this wall, Please tell me more about it."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.

The Irishman says, "In that case, FILL IT UP WITH WATER!"