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AQUARIUS (Jan 20 to Feb 18): You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are careless and impractical, causing you to repeat the same mistakes. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19 to Mar 20): You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20): You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. In short, you are a prick.

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20): You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and thick-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20): You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22): You are sympathetic and understanding towards other people's needs. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and will never be worth a shit.

LEO (July 23 to Aug 22): You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most LEOs are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO (Aug 23 to Sep 22): You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. VIRGOs make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23 to Oct 22): You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. LIBRAs usually die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 to Nov 21): You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son of a bitch. Most SCORPIOs are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 to Dec 21): You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The vast majority of SAGITTARIANs are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you because you are always getting fucked.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 to Jan 19): You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. This means you are basically a chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance whatsoever. You should kill yourself.

ARIES (March 21 - April 19): Star Wars Character = The Emperor

The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as people born under the sign Aries often do. He feels he is at the centre of the universe and he must be in control. He enjoys being a leader and his aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20): Star Wars Character = Chewbacca

Chewbacca is a dependable creature but he can tend to be stubborn. He likes material possessions and loves to win at games. He hates being bossed around or losing, and he may succumb to his physical strength when upset.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Star Wars Character = Ewok

Ewoks are playful little creatures as are Gemini's. They tend to be extremely curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having short attention spans. For the most part they are charming and loveable beings but they can seem scattered and high-strung at times.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Star Wars Character = Luke Skywalker

Luke seemed to be somewhat whinny sometimes but he eventually developed the thick hard shell of a cancer. He is strong willed and persistent to let what he wants. He never shies away from a fight at the first sign of danger. Not to mention he began to master the element of mind manipulation.

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22): Star Wars Character = Princess Leia

Leia adds a whole new meaning to high self-assurance, which is a common trait in Leos. She is a nurturing person with great physical strength. Like many Leos she will see that her mission for good is completed and she is very optimistic about the outcome.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): Star Wars Character = C3P0

C3P0 shows his efficiency when working for a good caused but he tends to be a little bit fussy when it comes to doing something out = of the ordinary. Like many Virgos he wants to stay out of the spotlight and he does well at picking up minute details.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): Star Wars Character = "Obi Wan" Kenobie

As always Obi Wan continues forward in his pursuit of justice and he is determined to succeed. He conveys his art of persuasion through the force. He displays his supreme intelligence and is very talented in obtaining balance between himself and his surroundings.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): Star Wars Character = Han Solo

Han is a powerful character. He also tends to be possessive and lusty which would explain Han's greedy nature. He feels threatened by Leia's attempt to order him around which displays the disliking scorpios have for people who try to control them. He is often prone to suspicion and jealousy as seen in the empire strikes back. However, his resilience and passion lead him to get what he wants.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Star Wars Character = Yoda

Yoda is superbly wise and he has been known to spread this wisdom widely. He seems to be impatient and pushy when people take his teachings too lightly. As always his philosophical side always peeks through.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Star Wars Character = R2D2

Capricorns have ambition and an inexhaustible desire to reach their goals/destination. He is a very loyal, sometimes going to great lengths to help someone out. He is a very social unit winning the hearts of many with his cute personality.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): Star Wars Character = Darth Vader

Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep down there is a peace loving, friendly side to him. He has a knack for inflicting pain on people and he uses his intellect during battle.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Star Wars Character = Lando

Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds. He is self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader. He became fairly pessimistic when put under pressure. He also poses as a chameleon wanting to change his scenery on occasion.