The Fate Of Disney Characters
We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters produced by Walt Disney and his successors at the Disney company. From Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish upon. Now, however, it has been revealed by the Disney corporation that the stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of hope and happiness we always thought they were. Here, for the first time ever, are the TRUE fates of your favorite Disney characters,
MICKEY MOUSE: died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.
MINNIE MOUSE: (see MICKEY)
DONALD DUCK: served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.
GOOFY: assassinated during first term as President of the United States.
PLUTO: caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.
SCROOGE MCDUCK: died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.
HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE: involved in an underground child pornography ring.
CHIP & DALE: extracted from Richard Gere's colon.
SNOW WHITE: fell for the old "apple trick" again.
DOPEY: 'nuff said.
SNEEZY: died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.
GRUMPY: executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.
HAPPY: killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.
DOC: was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.
SLEEPY: never woke up.
BASHFUL: now a stripper with the Chippendales.
MARY POPPINS: shot down over Iraqi airspace.
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN: male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.
WINNIE THE POOH: had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.
PIGLET: gunned down in a Mafia hit.
EEYORE: committed suicide.
TIGGER: accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.
RABBIT: died of an aneurysm while watching over his garden.
ROO: smothered to death by Kanga.
KANGA: put to death by the state.
ALICE (OF WONDERLAND): institutionalized for life.
THE MAD HATTER: died of mercury poisoning.
DORMOUSE: drowned in a teapot.
THE QUEEN OF HEARTS: guillotined during the revolution.
TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM: died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm.
SLEEPING BEAUTY: slept until 1986, contracted AIDS from "Prince Charming."
CINDERELLA: killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage.
PINNOCCIO: is now a very comfortable Ottoman.
JIMINY CRICKET: died after impacting a windshield at high Speeds.
FIGARO: strung tightly on a Les Paul guitar.
DUMBO: sucked into the engine of a 747.
PETER PAN: Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.
TINKERBELL: caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.
BAMBI: shot by NRA member with an AK:47. His body was never found.
BALOO: is now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace.
MOWGLI: (see HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE)
LADY & THE TRAMP: sold to a Cantonese restaurant.
101 DALMATIONS: sold to the Ringling Brothers Circus, were eaten by lions.
THE RESCUERS: involved in cancer research.
TRON: someone pulled the plug out by accident.
CAPTAIN EO: had a leak in his spacesuit.
JESSICA RABBIT: backup singer for Guns 'N Roses.
THE LITTLE MERMAID: caught by Mrs. Paul's Inc.
ALADDIN: was caught stealing one too many times, is now being traded nightly at Leavenworth for a pack of menthols.
ABU: shot into space by NASA
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU WILL NEVER SEE
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Where's Godot?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"