CHAPTER 1

1] In the beginning there was void. The Earth was without form, and there was nobody for Bob to pick on.

2] So Bob, while drinking his first beer, said "Hey! Who turned out the lights?" and there was light.

3] After finishing his second beer, he said, "Okay, you stupid angels, give me a footstool!" and the Earth was formed.

4] Bob looked at the footstool and it was not good enough.

5] So Bob got another beer and said "did I say I wanted a boring footstool? Put some stuff on there!" and thus the oceans and mountains were formed.

6] And Bob saw that it was good. And he said "there. That's more like it."

7] But as soon as he had finished off his third beer and got another, Bob decided he was bored with his new footstool. So he said "all right gimme something that moves around." and the creatures and plants were formed.

8] Bob proceeded to squish as many as he could while guzzling his fourth beer.

9] When he got bored with simply squishing these moving creatures, Bob demanded another beer and said, "let's get something that's a little more of a challenge to squish!" And so, the birds of the heavens were formed.

10] But by the end of his fifth beer, Bob couldn't even see the damned things! So he got a sixth beer and started making drunken circles in the dust on his footstool. Then he started pouring little amounts of beer on the pile of dirt. All of a sudden the ball of dirt he had formed coughed and took in a breath. Bob jumped up and almost dropped his beer.

11] "What the hell is that on my footstool!" demanded Bob. Bob tried to squish it, but the angels pleaded with him. It was difficult to convince him because he was so drunk by this time.

12] Just as he was squeezing the hell out of the little critter, which was still bewildered by its own existence and now doubly troubled by its imminent extinction, a popping sound was heard. Bob had squeezed this thing so hard that a piece of it fell off and formed another little critter.

13] Convinced that he was hallucinating, Bob fell back in his recliner, slammed a seventh beer, and proceeded to pass out.

14] When he awoke, he found that the critter he had squeezed was in fact still alive and now had a mate.

15] Bob was so hungover that he only said "ahhhh damn!" And thus, the first man was named Ah-damn.

CHAPTER 2

1] When Bob had fully recovered from his hangover he looked upon his footstool to see that all he had done was interesting. He decided not to kill the creatures that he had made from dust and beer.

2] He decided it would be more fun to torment them for six thousand years.

3] And so, he started by demanding that Ah-damn name each and every creature. Ah-damn was perplexed by this request since he had barely been alive long enough to form a means of communication.

4] As this was not torture enough, Bob decided to confine them to one particular garden on the whole of the face of the Earth.

5] When he realised that this did not seem to bore the little bastards, Bob began demanding that they eat from certain trees and not from others.

6] Bob found that these creatures were good at obeying. He found that they were stupid, gullible, and willing to follow any being that gave them an order (much like sheep).

7] So he ordered that they eat no fruit from a particularly good tree and told them it was because they would gain some stupid knowledge. He knew that they would be tempted by the idea of gaining a power.

8] Bob also knew that this would not be enough to convince them to disobey him. So, he sent an angel in the form of a snake to give them contradictory orders. He wanted to see what the little bastards would do.

9] It didn't take long before the two little hairy monsters were chomping down on some of the forbidden fruit.

10] Bob decided to play mad and totally berate them. He started shouting about how these creatures had disobeyed the one ominous Bob.

11] Halfway through his speech Bob noticed that the male had a little chunk of flesh dangling in front of him. Bob couldn't help but notice what a little thing it was and started laughing.

12] Ah-damn could not stand the embarrassment and so he covered himself with fig leaves.

13] Bob decided to kick the two out of the pretty little garden and make them slave away just to earn a living.

14] When he saw how much they hated the idea of work, Bob knew he had done well. He was pleased.

CHAPTER 3

1] Ah-damn and his wife Gertrude (Hey, it's my story!) figured out (accidentally) the fundamentals of begetting. And so, they begot and begot until Bob noticed one day what they were doing.

2] And Bob said unto them "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

3] Ah-damn replied "We are begetting, Dear Bob."

4] And Bob spoke again saying "Why?"

5] And ah-damn replied "because we can!"

6] As he spoke these words a small creature fell out of Gertrude. They realised that it was a direct result of their begetting. And thus, there first born was named Can.

7] When Ah-damn and Gertrude begot again causing a second child to be born Ah-damn lifted this baby to the sky and said "You see what we are able to do, you bastard, Bob?" And thus, their second was named Able.

8] As soon as Can and Able were old enough they got out of their parents' home. They could not stand the racket caused by their parents constantly begetting.

9] Able learned the ability of squishing the little critters that ran to and fro. He thought this was fun. Can, his brother, did not have the talent or intelligence to squish little critters. He took to smashing and mutilating the plants.

10] One day Able squished a particularly large critter and decided to show it off to Bob. "Do you see what I can do? I can squish the little critters that you made. So there!" stated Able.

11] Can, unwilling to let his little brother get the better of him, squished a bunch of plants and said to Bob "Yeah! So there!"

12] Bob couldn't have cared less. But, when Able saw how stupid his brother was acting he burst into uncontrollable laughter.

13] For this Can squished Able.

14] Then Bob took notice. Bob shouted "hey you little twerp! That's my job!" He slapped Can into the middle of the next week leaving a permanent mark on his forehead.

15] Can ran back home to his parents and stole one of his little sisters for a wife. Then he ran off and made his own city.

16] During this time Ah-damn and Gertrude begot a bunch more children and they lived happily ever... well for a little while.