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 A Multi-Millionaire dies and leaves all his money to his only living friends, an Accountant, a StockBroker, and a Lawyer with the condition that they leave one half of the money they receive in his coffin. On the first anniversary of his burial, the three friends meet once more and discuss the bizarre stipulation of the will. The Accountant finally admits "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO says "Well, I have to say that I kept some of the money also, Ten million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the other two and says... "I am ashamed of you two, I wrote a CHEQUE for the full amount!" .

 A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "That's amazing! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round for Ireland." And they have another drink.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin" replies the second man.

"I can't believe it" says the first man, "I'm from Dublin also! Let's have another drink for Dublin."

So they have yet another drink.

The first man then asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "Class of '71."

"That's amazing!" the first man says, "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '71 too!"

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and asks the Bartender "What's been going on?"

"Nothing much" replies the bartender... "Except the O'Reilly twins are drunk again".

 A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen" he says to the bartender. "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, can I have my drink on the house?"

"We'll see," says the bartender. So the guy pulls a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive" says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Hold on" says the man. He then pulls out a frog, and it sings "Old Man River".

After seeing this, a patron jumps up and shouts "That's absolutely incredible! I'll give you £100 right now for the frog"

"Sold" says the guy. The patron takes the frog and leaves.

"I know it's none of my business" says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune"

"Not really" says the guy..."The hamster is also a ventriloquist!".

 The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible as far back as the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "The 'R'! They left out the 'R' "

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!!!".

 A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician was able to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem, The captain's parrot saw him perform each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started to shout out during each show... "Look, it's not the same hat" and "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table" and "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" and so on. The magician was furious but couldn't do anything as it was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood with only the parrot for company. They stared at each other with suppressed rage, but did not utter a word. This went on for days until the parrot said..."OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

 A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you".

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "Next term in her biology class".

 Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess met a frog. The frog said to the princess..."I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mother where you can prepare all my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so". That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.

 A man is holding his wife's hand as she lies on her deathbed...

"Jerry, I have something terrible to tell you before I pass on" she says.

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well", replies her husband.

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend. I'm so terribly sorry."

He replies..."Yes dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

 Two five-year-old boys are sitting in a hospital room. One leans over to the other and asks him what he's in for. The other says "circumcision". The first boy says "Oh, I had that done right after I was born... I couldn't walk for a year."

 A burglar was robbing a house when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

"Who's there?" The robber said, but there was no answer. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he finally noticed it was a parrot who was speaking. "What's your name?" the robber asked.

"Cocodora" came the reply.

"What kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora?" asked the robber.

"The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus".

 A couple are driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over. The cop walks up and says to the husband who's driving "You were doing 85 in a 55mph zone."

The husband says, "You know, officer, I was doing 55 the whole time, and then during the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with traffic and didn't notice my speed."

But his wife says, "That's not true. You were doing 85 or 90 the whole time."

The husband turns to her and sternly says, "Will you shut up?"

The cop says, "And I notice you don't have your seat-belt buckled."

The husband replies, "Well officer, I did have it buckled, but then I had to undo it to get my wallet out to show you my license."

His wife says, "That's not true. You haven't had it on the whole time."

Her husband turns to her and shouts, "What the hell is wrong with you? SHUT UP!"

The cop walks around to the wife's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you like that?"

She says, "Only when he's DRUNK".

 A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You yuppies are all so materialistic, you make me sick" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you haven't even noticed that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my gaaawd..." replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "WHERE'S MY ROLEX??????"

 An elderly man lost his favourite hat and instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and rob one out of the vestibule. However, when he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments'. After church, the man met the priest in the vestibule doorway and said "I want to thank you Father. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it".

Priest: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. When I heard that one I remembered where I'd left my old hat!"

 These two farmers each owned a horse. In order to tell them apart they decided to cut one of the horse's ears. Sometime later the ear of the other horse was accidentally cut too, so the farmers decided to cut off one of horse's tails. After some time the other horse's tail was cut off also. Consequently the two farmers were at a loss about how they could tell the horses apart. One of the farmers said: "Why be cruel to the animals? Let's see if we can find some other way to tell them apart without having to mutilate them". So they put the two horses side by side and sure enough, THE WHITE HORSE WAS TALLER THAN THE BLACK ONE!

 A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations".

To which he replies, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

 One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a someone stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his and then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. While this was taking place, everyone else in the left and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him and pulled him over. The police officer then administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed that the driver was completely sober. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy".

 A vampire bat came flying in during the night covered in fresh blood and perched on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he had got it. They persisted until he finally gave in "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following him. Down through the valley they flew, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good..." said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

 Dr. Hornsby had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice in his head try to reassure him, "Howard, Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality by saying...

"Howard, you're a veterinarian!"

 An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg leg, hook and eye-patch, the seaman asks: "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We was caught in a great storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they was pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We was boardin' a merchant ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that and in the melee me hand got chopped off."

"Wow!" remarked the seaman, "And how came ye by the eye-patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye" answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "... it was me first day with the hook."